Say it with me: they are dying, she is dead, he has died. These words—dying, dead, died—are uncomfortable to say out loud on their own, but when you attach a person to them, they’re nearly impossible to say aloud. Why is that? There are other things that are uncomfortable or scary that some of us say out loud. It’s uncomfortable admitting when you’re wrong or have made a mistake. It’s scary when you propose to someone. Words matter, yes, but when we’re uncomfortable using the appropriate language at the end of life, we do a disservice to ourselves and others. To put it another way: it’s not helpful. Here are two common, and my least favorite, euphemisms we say in an effort to be comfort to those discomforted by death:

• “They’re in a better place”—the families of the patients I work with have on many occasions mentioned how hurtful this has been for them. Is the best place for the deceased not with their family and friends? The best place for the deceased is, and will always be, the supper table at holidays, the lawn chair next to the family watching fireflies on a summer night, holding their child. Do we wish for the deceased to suffer? Absolutely not. Many of my families would rather have their loved one with them in any state rather than not have them at all. Proceed with caution with this one.

What we can do instead: acknowledge that the better place may be true, but it focuses on the one who died and it says nothing about the surviving family and friends and the impact the death has had on them

• “I’m sorry that you’ve lost…”—this one has significant effects on children or those who are neurodivergent. On multiple instances of my work with children, the adults who have (with good intent) told the children that they’ve lost their person, they have thought they would be able to find their loved one. Think about it. When we lose our cellphones, we can find them. Lost your glasses? We find them. Lost your parent? In my experience it’s taken months to get the child to understand that their love one is dead, and we might be able to find their grave marker, but we will not be able to find their body as we knew it. Personally, I’ve gotten rid of this one entirely.

What we can do instead: use the appropriate words (dying, dead, died) with children at a level appropriate to their developmental stage. This may sound something like “Grandma has died which means her body stopped working” or “When someone dies they are not alive anymore and they are not able to talk or do any activities that they used to.” Words matter to children and those who are neurodivergent. They also matter to adults. Sometimes we forget that when someone dies, they don’t come back.

Do I think that using euphemisms are the end all and are going to ruin someone for the rest of their life? Most likely no. But, I’m going to channel my inner Scripps National Spelling Bee participant: when it comes to the words dying, dead, died, “Can you use them in a sentence?”